I have a big deep hole in the middle of my soul where my dear friend Joe's heart used to live. I don't really or, rather I do really or, I just don't know or enjoy GRIEF! Dang...what happened. I keep thinking that I can come to terms with it. But, I can't. I just can't and won't. I keep waiting for him to call or, walk back in the door, or take me to a game. Penney is great. Joe would love him. New day...new pitcher with a heart of gold.
So, what am I going to do. I have another pit in my stomach...in my soul that needs to be filled....and it can only be filled by me. I need to find purpose. I keep wondering where and when to go. I keep hoping that I can figure it out. But, I am depressed and unmotivated. This is because I feel useless. I feel like a failure. I was laid off. I went back to school after sitting on the couch for a long year, and then I earned my BA finally. And then I earned and MA. I loved it. It was a challenge. But, a tremendously, fulfilling, extraordinary one.
But, the path I am trying to follow keeps closing me out and I don't know how to open it again. I can't play the games. I can't suck it up. But, I have to because there is no choice. There is no financial security for being a good teacher. There is emotional reward. But, that keeps getting tossed aside to. They take and they give take and give. This time perhaps forever.
Will the older, last of the tenured, ever retire? Can they? Unlike other professions, you don't age out of teaching. You can always do it. Especially if you are unable to be fired. So, you may do it; but there is no guarantee that you do it well.
I say 'last of the tenured,' because I really think that it is time to phase it out. I think of all the professions in the world, teaching is among the most important professions. Teachers need to be held accountable. We need to separate the teachers from the researchers from the writers...
We can all be scholars. But, we can be scholarly teachers OR researchers. Teachers can do research and continue to learn....but, should RESEARCHERS, who are not necessarily strong teachers be teaching?
I think this is the big conundrum.
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Sorry to hear about the layoffs, Erin. Damn. But, as an adjunct myself, I do wonder if the root of the problem isn't something other than "the tenureds." Is it really any guarantee that you or I would get full-time positions if tenured teachers retired or otherwise moved aside? Or do you think the positions would keep getting fractured into more part-time positions which, of course, don't require benefits. There's no way to know until we know, I guess, but perhaps having some of the old fogies (said with the greatest respect for senior teachers, lol) move aside would open the field for those of us in the part-time trenches.
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i think nicole, that it is a problem to provide a job for life- certainly there is no guarantee that they will hire us, no. but, i think that there is more of chance.
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